Changes!!

For the past two days I had two things that I wanted to post about.
I forgot what it was!

So I will discuss random things that cross my mind. So I will start with love since that hardly ever leaves my mind. I want to love again but my fear of hurt is holding me back and taking a toll. I have a very nice and intelligent young man that I have been spending a lot of time with but me not opening up and trusting is starting to get the best of him. He says that I'm hard!
But I have to be. For years I have been NICE and being NICE hasn't gotten me much but a broken heart and a severe case of self consciousness. I begin to doubt myself, my abilities and my self-worth. I soon begin to believe that I am not worthy or good enough for a happy and successful relationship. I ponder on my past and wonder if I have done something bad that has doomed my possibilities of having a husband and family.

But I not that awful. I was (am) the type of person that would share my last with a person. If I eat, you eat, and if I didn't have enough then I didn't eat. No matter where, no matter when, I was always giving. And I didn't mind because that was my heart. I didn't give for fashion or show, I gave because I cared and I love hard. But through some so called friends and guys who protested the undying love, they have stolen my joy. They used me and took my kindness for a weakness. The sad part is, that after a while, I begin to recognize their trifling behavior but overlooked it for a while trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. But with no avail I had to cut them off one after another.


So this brings me to where I am now. Wanting to be the old me (who I really am) but to afraid to fall and that same old trap. So I have starting recognizing my mistakes and making changes. I was told that I attract those same type of people. So now in my new outlook there is no room for chances. You either have it or you don't. I ain't nobody's mama and ain't their private teacher. I don't have that type of time on my hands. No more lowering my standards just to be loved. And for the first time in life I am okay with that. I am secure within myself... but I still ain't nobody's fool! I have no problem anymore expressing myself. I no longer with hold the truth worrying about someone else's feelings. When I did that before, bitches didn't give a damn about my feelings. I made men believe that they were more than what they were because I never wanted to hurt their feelings. Fuck their feelings, it's all about me and how I feel, no longer living behind lies. If you ain't shit I'm telling you ain't shit...better yet I'm not even wasting my time, no conversation. I won't entertain the thought.

It feels good and I'm proud of myself. Slowly I will open up but on my own terms and on my own time. Maybe it might work this time or maybe it won't. But whatever the outcome I am happy with me and that is what matters the most.

Until next time, stay true to you.