Somebody calling me Mama?

The day I learned that I was pregnant was a gloomy day. My pregnancy was definitely unplanned,unexpected, and unwanted. I was 20 years old and at the prime of becoming an adult and a woman. I had no cares in the world and I lived day by day as I pleased. I also had just got an acceptance letter from Florida State University. Since that very day my life has not been the same. My boyfriend at the time and I always used condoms so this was really a hard pill to swallow. When discussing the news with him he told me that he knew the condom broke and getting me pregnant is what he wanted.

He never liked the idea of me leaving away to college and this was his way of keeping me from leaving. My heart sunk to my stomach as he continued to talk and I began to cry. He made promises to take care of me and the baby and that I didn't have to worry about a thing. I believed him and I trusted him but in the back of my mind I hated him for betraying me and taking advantage of what I had yet to learn about men, sex and condoms.

A week later he asked me to move in. I couldn't face my mother so the day she left for vacation I took what I could and moved in. It didn't last but three days. He totally switched out on me and turned into a controlling maniac. Telling me where I could or couldn't go and when I could eat in "HIS HOUSE". I was in over my head and didn't have that many rules at my mamma's house. So on the third day when he left for work I gathered all that I had, called a cab and went back home before my mother even knew I was gone. I guess he has hated me ever since because he hasn't kept any of those promises of being a good father and providing for his child.

Which brings me to this point. Being that I was not ready nor prepared mentally for a child, I'm steadily trying to get on track. Trying to make the right decisions and be a good mother. It takes time to change, learn and mature and along with growing comes mistakes. My outlook and motherhood has changed over the past six years. Things I used to do I don't want to do anymore I'm trying to be better and wiser. I don't want my daughter to make the bad choices I made. I'm becoming a new example a better example. What gets to me is the guilt I have for the past mistakes really one in particular.

At the time I really had the right idea but I went about it the wrong way. I wanted to settle down, so I dated and when I got comfortable I let some, not all, meet her. Before long the relationship ended and they were gone. During the times we were all together I made sure that we acted appropriately so that she would not model bad behavior. My daughter is my first priority and I never let any guy come before her or her needs. And as soon as I realized that I was dealing with someone who didn't fit the bill he was out with no second guessing.

Being a good mother has always been a priority for me and a slight struggle to make sure I'm doing it right. I hope that I'm not late and haven't affected my daughter's life in a negative way!

One Love!