Somebody calling me Mama?

The day I learned that I was pregnant was a gloomy day. My pregnancy was definitely unplanned,unexpected, and unwanted. I was 20 years old and at the prime of becoming an adult and a woman. I had no cares in the world and I lived day by day as I pleased. I also had just got an acceptance letter from Florida State University. Since that very day my life has not been the same. My boyfriend at the time and I always used condoms so this was really a hard pill to swallow. When discussing the news with him he told me that he knew the condom broke and getting me pregnant is what he wanted.

He never liked the idea of me leaving away to college and this was his way of keeping me from leaving. My heart sunk to my stomach as he continued to talk and I began to cry. He made promises to take care of me and the baby and that I didn't have to worry about a thing. I believed him and I trusted him but in the back of my mind I hated him for betraying me and taking advantage of what I had yet to learn about men, sex and condoms.

A week later he asked me to move in. I couldn't face my mother so the day she left for vacation I took what I could and moved in. It didn't last but three days. He totally switched out on me and turned into a controlling maniac. Telling me where I could or couldn't go and when I could eat in "HIS HOUSE". I was in over my head and didn't have that many rules at my mamma's house. So on the third day when he left for work I gathered all that I had, called a cab and went back home before my mother even knew I was gone. I guess he has hated me ever since because he hasn't kept any of those promises of being a good father and providing for his child.

Which brings me to this point. Being that I was not ready nor prepared mentally for a child, I'm steadily trying to get on track. Trying to make the right decisions and be a good mother. It takes time to change, learn and mature and along with growing comes mistakes. My outlook and motherhood has changed over the past six years. Things I used to do I don't want to do anymore I'm trying to be better and wiser. I don't want my daughter to make the bad choices I made. I'm becoming a new example a better example. What gets to me is the guilt I have for the past mistakes really one in particular.

At the time I really had the right idea but I went about it the wrong way. I wanted to settle down, so I dated and when I got comfortable I let some, not all, meet her. Before long the relationship ended and they were gone. During the times we were all together I made sure that we acted appropriately so that she would not model bad behavior. My daughter is my first priority and I never let any guy come before her or her needs. And as soon as I realized that I was dealing with someone who didn't fit the bill he was out with no second guessing.

Being a good mother has always been a priority for me and a slight struggle to make sure I'm doing it right. I hope that I'm not late and haven't affected my daughter's life in a negative way!

One Love!

It's been a while since I had the opportunity to grace this place. I kind of miss it but I really didn't have much to say. I caught up on my readings and find it very uplifting to my soul. Reading most blogs is inspiring and uplifting, just what my soul needed.

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"Why do you always seem to attract guys that are needy?"

That question was asked of me recently and it has been in my head ever since, almost haunting me. To top it off, I couldn't answer it, and I have been searching my mind to find the answer.

I know what kind of man I would love to have in my life, but for some reason that type of man is not interested in me. That tall, dark and handsome, intelligent, sincere, kid loving and intuitive man doesn't look my way. That independent and spontaneous man doesn't see this short, dark skinned, thick and professional woman. I'm the last one that gets flirted with and by then there's nothing left but that needy nicca looking for his next come up. There was a time in my life when I believed in them and their so called dreams. I believed that we could come up together and make things happen.I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. But time after time it seemed as if I was the only coming up and the only one giving.

It was never my dream to have this situation. I didn't wake up and say that I was gonna pick the worst baby daddy and be happily ever after. I never wanted this for myself but constantly I struggle with people and the perception of me. I had made a conscious decision to move forward but a couple of days ago a hit another low. I have struggled daily since then. I now realize that the devil is busy and was unhappy of my spiritual progress. It's okay because like the song says "WE FALL DOWN BUT WE GET UP".

I'm a fighter and I realize that my journey will not be easy. That's why God gave it to me because he knows that I will overcome and I will survive.

I am slowly trying to shift my focus and find a new dream or hobby. I'm not giving up on having a husband but I feel that the focus has on having one has overtaken me. Maybe my dreams were to simple and I accomplished them. Maybe I need to dream some more.

Whatever God has for me is for me and when he's ready for me to have it then I will get it!!