What Do I Want?

After a fun conversation with Ms. Tee I always re-evaluate. She keeps me on my toes with her honesty, love and true concern.

So what did I learn from this conversation?

That I may not be ready for a relationship or there is great possibility that this is not the guy for me. In the past few days a couple of Tee's friends announced their engagements. My question to Tee was "How did they know that he was the one"? "They just knew", she replied. They knew what they wanted in a man and when the man came, they knew it was him. No second guessing and no mind games.

That's when I realized that if I had to keep questioning myself about the guy that I have been talking to these past months, then maybe he's not the one. Honestly there is nothing about him that makes me feel that he is so wonderful, he's just okay. In other words, better than the last.
I know in relationships you have to grow but I don't want to continue to teach men how to treat me.

I want a man who knows his role and acts on it.
I want a man that I can learn from and who can show me a part of life that I have not experienced before. I can take myself to a movie and for a walk on the beach. I know that they say it's the little things that count, but don't forget the bigger things.
I want a man who is established and experienced.
I need a man who is willing and able to be a father figure to my daughter.
I want a man that, when I look into his eyes or while I watch him while he sleeps, I adore him and be happy that I with him. Not shaking my head and wondering why in the hell I'm with him. And last but not least, I need a man that can and will satisfy my sexual desires.

So I will patiently wait for him and in the mean time continue to work on me. So when he comes I will be ready, no questions about it.

Who's to Judge?

Stanley "Tookie" Williams was executed earlier this morning under a convition from in 1981. My post is not about if it was wrong or right just about the thoughts that came to my mind when I heard of the case.

From what I understand he was the co-founder the Crip gang that started in Cali. That he was convicted of several murders and then changed his life while in prison. He then wrote childerns books about the dangers of gangs.

My thoughts were:

If the victims were my family members, would I want him to die?
Is it up to us to say if a person lives or dies?
Did he think of the lives of the people he murdered and their families?
If not, then why should his life be spared?
Everyone knows the possible consequences when breaking the law, so they should except resposibility and pay the price?
How does it feel to know that in a matter of seconds your life will be over and isn't that punishment enough?
Isn't the purpose of jail for rehabilitation?
Even though he has changed his life, what he started with gangs will affect our lives forever.

Cases like this always stir me up because you can easily understand boths sides and their wants.
I just pray for all families that suffer from the case directly. I also pray for the families that were affected indirectly by gangs over the years.

Peace in the Hood!
R.I.P. (MIA)
Ken (cuz), Trenton, Uncle Al, Ranzor, Bernard, Willie, 3J and the rest of my boys who were murdered because of the streets! Too many to name!

The Movies!

I had the opportunity to see two movies this past week. Get Rich or Die Tryin and Rent!

I am a movie freak so I think both were great!

Since I was already familiar with the story of 50 cent, via his music, it was enjoyable to see things beyond my own imagination.

Now RENT on the other hand was amazing! Due to the fact the most people may not have seen it yet I won't go into details. But the issues that were touched in the movie so many years ago are now heavily dominated in our society now. I can only believe that during its realm as a stage play, it was not accepted easily and brought about much controversy. I can only appreciate the courage of the writer and the actors to put those issues out there and make society face the truth. I greatly appreciated this musical and recommend it to other adults.

The Struggle Continues

I struggle from time when I'm in relationships because of my family. The problem is that I don't want to be like them. Cheaters. The sad part is that I can cheat if I chose to because it's easy and I know how to get away with it. I won't go into to detail on how but I know that most of it is second nature and the rest comes from being a witness to it for so many years.

I feel as if it a generational curse, because I have not witnessed my family members be faithful until old age has sat in.

The reason I feel that it is in me, is because I can be in a pretty good relationship and still look for more. As though I'm never truly satisfied or always looking for more(better). But then I look back at the few that I dated and I can see why I was always looking for more.
I want to be in a relationship where I feel that there is no more than what I already have. I want to be faithful and have a family. I want to look at my man and say that he is my everything and I want a man that can express the same to me. I know that no one is perfect and that I have to accept the good with the bad and I'm able to handle that but only with someone that is deserving. And the good must outweigh the bad.

I'm seeing a guy right now that is younger than me. This means that he has to grow and that I must give him that room to grow. But what scares me is the possibility, after giving him the room and space, he doesn't make adequate progress that I may feel I need from a man. We have had our differences but he has stepped up to the plate and made the changes that were needed. He is fun and outgoing as myself but he lacks the exposure. Age is a larger factor in maturity but I know men in the late twenties and early thirties who still act like 5 year olds.

So I try to ignore the age and focus on what matters the most. Love, honesty and ability. I feel that he loves me and I know that he has the ability to be great and I haven't caught him in a lie but I still have a trust issue. In time the trust issue will get better.
I struggle with commitment now and I put him through so much, things I should have done to the others before him. This time I'm focused on doing things the right way and standing up for myself. I have been told to let things just flow and see where it goes....I'm afraid that the flow may not work and that two years from now I will be right where I am now. In my heart the only thing I know to do is pray about it and allow God to work in my life.

So with that I wonder if I should let it all go focus only on the man above and see what happens next? With that I then ask myself, "Is this the guy that God has for me"? My usual prayer is, "God if this man is not for me, send me a sign and just let it fall apart. Have your way." And when I say that prayer it works. That smoky cloud that masks your ability to see a person for who they really are, gives way and I let them go. The problem with that is sometimes I wait to long to say that prayer. You can just imagine what I go through during those times.

Well I said that prayer three times with this one and he hasn't left yet...it's been almost six months. What is a girl to do?

Tales of a Sister

My brother got married three months ago to a young lady that he dated on and off for five years. At first I was not happy because up until his marriage my baby brother looked out for me. But I have to step aside for his wife and allow her to be the one that he talks to for comfort. The debit card I used to keep for him and the business I used to handle for him is now all for her to do. My brother is completely my best friend and now as the bible says he has to be one with his wife. I feel like I'm losing my best friend...

Anyways, his wife has really set my mind at ease because from what I can see, she really loves him. She handles his business and he hasn't called me and complained. See my brother is in the army and he is now in Iraq, so this is an emotional time for the family. I talk to his wife on a regular basis now and each time we talk we grow more in understanding of each other. I feel that I can trust her and I accept her as my sister. If my brother loves her then I love her, no questions asked.


For the past few weeks we have been doing our Christmas shopping. Calling each other and picking up items for each other. She does things as if we having been doing it forever. We are taking our Christmas vacation together to visit my dad. She handled all the business for the trip plane tickets and all. She reminds me of myself. But before all the hurt and pain, before enough was enough and was no longer standing by to be hurt or used.

I think what hurts the most is that it took marriage for me to have a sister relationship and I already have a blood sister.

Still Ghetto

If you are sleeping on Lil'Kim's new album then its time to wake up!
I'm sure that everyone may not listen to rap because of its hardcore nature but to me it life. It's what I identify with, it's what I know. Now don't get me wrong, my exposure is not just the ghetto, but it my neighborhood, it's some of my friends and its was my classmates and its my family. I don't glorify certain ways of this life sytle but I do understand the stuggle. It is what it is.

I love this particular cd because its real and I feel as if the words were taken out my head. I guess it takes an artist to hit bottom to produce a hit album as such. I feel like Lil' Kim's promotor, as much as I tell people about it, but for the most part people haven't heard the cd yet and most likely won't. I guess her previous album's were not on the top of the hit list so people have strayed away.

This is not your average nasty, who and how I'm f**king cd. Its about real life situations that I believe we all can relate to. Male and Female! So give it a listen when you can it wont kill ya. Its an adult CD so send the kiddies to bed before you pop it in.

Still Ghetto!!

101Things About Me (re-post)

"101 Things About Me"
1. I'm brown, thick and loving it.
2. I love money.
3. But I hate shopping.
4. My booty is flat and my hips are wide.
5. I want to be an advocate for "thick" women. (Big girls need love to!)
6. My favorite movie is "The Color Purple"... (You told Harpo to hit me!)
7. I have millionaire taste... but broke peoples' money.
8. I still live with my mama! (So basically I'm homeless)
9. I HATE MY BABY DADDY! (Not hate, but I dislike him very, very, very much)
10.I usually date unattractive men! (When did ugly niccas start cheating!)
11. I have been blessed to have 5 very close female friends. (with very limited drama)
12. I love my younger brother. (And so does all my friends.)
13. I would give my life for him and my daughter.
14. My daughter is the reason why I never gave up.
15. I broke my foot this year. ( I miss my heels.)
16. I work two jobs. (And i'm still broke!)
17. I've owned over 200 teddy bears and dolls at one time.
18. I'm a proud LEO.
19. I think that Cancers' and Scorpios' are crazy.
20. Conch is the only seafood that I eat.
21. I love to eat out! ( I always order pasta)
22. I love acoholic beverages. ( But I'm not an acoholic...)
23. I love big black men with big stomachs. (They are my teddy bears.)
24. I date big men cause I know I will always eat. (Big men keep money...they gotta eat.)
25. I love going out.... I'm always on the go.
26. My mother can't stand me becuase I look and act like my daddy. LOL
27. I love music.
28.When I have money you can find me at Best Buy on Tuesdays.
29. I want a husband and all the wonders that come along with marriage.
30. I love when it gets cool in Miami.
31. I'm an army brat.
32. People take my kindness for my weakness.
33. I'm a professional ...(but still ghetto, when neccessary)
34. I'm a DolphFAN!! ( I love football and I would marry Zach Thomas)
35. I love the Miami Heat....and Dwayne Wade!!
36. My favorite color is purple.
37. My favorite color to wear is black.
38. I love getting pedicures. (Gotta keep the feet tight)
39. I don't wear clothes from the flea market.
40. But I seem to always find myself there.
41. I tend to dress casual. (A pair of jeans and a nice top.)
42. I don't wear makeup...well only when I wanna look cute.
43. Everyday my mom asks me to wear lipstick. ( A lil lip gloss will do.)
44. I don't have patience for grown stupid folks.
45. When I eat, I get full really fast. (I never finish a meal)
46. I love taking candle lit, hot bubble baths!
47. I can't wait for the day my husband washes my back!
48. I am a hopeless romantic.
49. I always thought my life would be like a fairy tale. (Its more of a ghetto tale)
50. I think to much!
51. I have lots of dreams, but once I wake up I can't remember them.
52. I love chocolate...cakes...ice cream...candy bars
53. Gummi bears and lemon heads are my favorite purse candies.
54. I hate going to the dentist.
55. I have a fear of falling. (I dont skate or run if I dont have to.)
56. Sanford and Son and Martin are my favorite late nite shows.
57. When I was younger I liked dating older men.
58. Now that I'm older...I don't, they to old now!
59. I can't stand talking on the phone with someone with no conversation. (Hello, think of something then call me back!)
60. I love Avon.
61. I dont know how to cook a lot dishes...but you won't starve!
62. I wish I could fake my death so I wont have to pay the bill collectors.
63. I like wearing mini skirts and shorts...but I rarely do it.
64. Some days I wish that I was invisible. (No paritcular reason why.)
65. I have a bad memory. (Sorry)
66. I don't like club fights. (I keep wastin my drinks...Damn!)
67. Can't stand the HATERS! (Not that anyone is hating on me.)
68. I wish I had a stable baby sitter.
69. Death has taken some people that were really dear to me.
70. I love poetry...sometimes I even write. (Rarely do I share)
71. I love expensive and classy perfume. (So tired of rubbing those pages on my neck!)
72. I love doing crossword puzzles.
73. Jigzone.com is my favorite internet puzzle spot.
74. Fast driver... slow drivers move to the right.
75. Can't stand awful drivers. (Better be glad I don't flat tires for fun!)
76. I have nice beautiful hair...but I appreciate a good weave!
77. I would consider myself a ride or die chick...until its time to die!
78. I used to worry about other peoples opinion.
79. Sometimes I still do...but only with my friends.
80. I'm glad that I am almost done...I aint that friendly with my business.
81. I want to make love in freaky places with my husband.(Can't wait to meet him.)
82. If I could have one consistent thing in life it would be happiness.
83. Okay two...and a flat stomach!
84. I love Ramen Noodles and Chef Boyardees' Beefaroni and Ravioli.
85. I hate traffic. (Even more when it's raining)
86. I love being on the beach at night.
87. I was in the marching band in highschool as a dancer.
88. I miss dancing.
89. My mom is my single parent inspiration.
90. My friends that have and are pursuing their dreams are also my inspiration.
91. Daily I'm striving to be more Christ like.
92. I'm getting better at it...but I have a long way to go.
93. Sometimes I feel lonely.
94. I crave for a mans' true love and attention. (Getting better at that too.)
95. I hope that I continue to be a great example in my duaghters life.
96. I pray that before I leave this earth that I touch kids and adults lives in a positive way.
97. Doing this list allowed me to search my mind and heart about who I really am.
98. I love who I am and what I am to become.
99. Im not afraid of ghost but of the evil people that lurk around everyday.
100.My greatest gift is God saving a poor soul like me.
101. I am THE PERFECT VERSE TO A TIGHT BEAT!

I'm glad you made it to the end! Be blessed!

Him.

Him! The insignificant other who donated his sperm and gave me baby.
Calling him my baby daddy would be to much credit. He doesn't deserve the title so I will stick with Him.

Him, is not on child support. Why you may ask? Because the old me that cared and gave people the benefit of the doubt, made that unwise decision. But its now in the working.

I accepted responsibility of the choice I made when I laid down with Him and due to the love that I have for my child, I got my grind on.
I didn't do alone. Thank God for my mama, my backbone, my hero!
We have had a our fights and our differences but she has never turned her back and neither have I. We support each other to a certain extent.

Back to Him!

Him, never calls and never comes by. But he says he loves her. Then his definition of love must be one I never known of. To me, love is sacrifice and it has no boundaries. My love is working two full time jobs going to college. Its asking my mother day after day to continue to be there, putting a strain on our relationship because I ask to much of her. I don't know when the day will come when she says that she has helped enough and she needs her space and time to live her life. Even if it means coming home and just reading a book and going to sleep.

Him has made me feel lower than dirt. Talked to me as if I was the nasty chewing gum beneath his new pair of Jordans. Him always in new sneaks and clothes when I see him. Him, shows up to birthday parties, didn't contribute a dime nor his time and came empty handed with his new fresh outfit on. Him says that he will buy her school uniforms at the beginning of the school year and it's Christmas and I haven't seen Him bring shit yet but a new pair twenty dollar classic reeboks. And peep this, Him knew that it was jacked up, that he couldn't even show his face and left the shoes on the front porch where the crackheads could have stole them. I live in the hood!! I was laying right there on the couch and my car was parked in the yard. Him said he rang the door bell and no one came to the door. Yeah!

Him hasn't seen his daughter since July and it was only for two minutes. She has been out of town twice since then, been bad in school and has taken school and Christmas pictures. Him doesn't even know. And Him says he loves her. Which still leaves me with the question. How does Him love her? Is there this invisible love that is the new thing and I have caught on to yet?

In spite of it all, I stay on the grind getting three hours of sleep a night during the week. And on top of it all still keep a moderate social life trying to distribute my time evenly among my friends and my significant other. Being a full time mother and exposing my daughter to all the riches and benefits of life. Doing all that I can so she can have everything I had and more. Trying to give her the advantage in life so that she will be well rounded and successful in life.

Him, still planted deep down in the back of my mind. The thought of him creeps into my mind every now and then. When it's about 2 or 3 in the morning and I just got off work. Fighting a migraine and back aches but can't take a strong pain pill because I will oversleep for the next job. Sitting on my bed stressed wondering how I will make these paychecks stretch and still try to save. Wondering why I ended up a person like Him. Wondering if it was punishment for sex before I got married or some other sin I may have committed. Afterwards I drift off to sleep knowing that my days will get better and my struggle is not in vain. I pray to God and give him thanks and ask for forgiviness of my sins. I pray for better days and then thank him in the same breath because I know that the better days are on the way. With a heavy heart I pray for Him but only for the sake of my daughter. So that she will be experience the REAL love of a father.

HIM

Changes!!

For the past two days I had two things that I wanted to post about.
I forgot what it was!

So I will discuss random things that cross my mind. So I will start with love since that hardly ever leaves my mind. I want to love again but my fear of hurt is holding me back and taking a toll. I have a very nice and intelligent young man that I have been spending a lot of time with but me not opening up and trusting is starting to get the best of him. He says that I'm hard!
But I have to be. For years I have been NICE and being NICE hasn't gotten me much but a broken heart and a severe case of self consciousness. I begin to doubt myself, my abilities and my self-worth. I soon begin to believe that I am not worthy or good enough for a happy and successful relationship. I ponder on my past and wonder if I have done something bad that has doomed my possibilities of having a husband and family.

But I not that awful. I was (am) the type of person that would share my last with a person. If I eat, you eat, and if I didn't have enough then I didn't eat. No matter where, no matter when, I was always giving. And I didn't mind because that was my heart. I didn't give for fashion or show, I gave because I cared and I love hard. But through some so called friends and guys who protested the undying love, they have stolen my joy. They used me and took my kindness for a weakness. The sad part is, that after a while, I begin to recognize their trifling behavior but overlooked it for a while trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. But with no avail I had to cut them off one after another.


So this brings me to where I am now. Wanting to be the old me (who I really am) but to afraid to fall and that same old trap. So I have starting recognizing my mistakes and making changes. I was told that I attract those same type of people. So now in my new outlook there is no room for chances. You either have it or you don't. I ain't nobody's mama and ain't their private teacher. I don't have that type of time on my hands. No more lowering my standards just to be loved. And for the first time in life I am okay with that. I am secure within myself... but I still ain't nobody's fool! I have no problem anymore expressing myself. I no longer with hold the truth worrying about someone else's feelings. When I did that before, bitches didn't give a damn about my feelings. I made men believe that they were more than what they were because I never wanted to hurt their feelings. Fuck their feelings, it's all about me and how I feel, no longer living behind lies. If you ain't shit I'm telling you ain't shit...better yet I'm not even wasting my time, no conversation. I won't entertain the thought.

It feels good and I'm proud of myself. Slowly I will open up but on my own terms and on my own time. Maybe it might work this time or maybe it won't. But whatever the outcome I am happy with me and that is what matters the most.

Until next time, stay true to you.

Its been a while since I had the time to sit down at the computer to express myself. For a while I felt pressure to post every day but not enough to write about. So with the help of my computer having a mind of its own, I quit, I gave up. With a new frame of mind I will attempt to start again. Trying to share my life situations the best way I know how.

I went to college to become a teacher and have been working in the school system for over five years. And now when I so close to completing my degree I no longer find the joy that I used to have. It is very hard for me to love kids so much and want so much for them and then they don't want it for themselves. Everyday I walk into a classroom where students don't want to learn and are very disrespectful to most of the faculty. How can you teach when the student does not want to learn? What do you tell a parent who is frustrated with the child's lack of motivation and bad behavior? How do I keep myself from losing the love and want to teach?

Teaching is supposed to be a rewarding career and for the most part it is. But I can't see myself in a classroom for another ten years. I'm now left with the question "What can I do next?"
I have always searched my mind for something else to do that I would love and have a passion for and make really good money. And I have always contemplated having my own business but to stay in business in such a competitive market you have a business with longevity and originality.

Well I have come up with an idea that will allow me to still stay in the teaching field but also a means for extra money. I will now pursue a master's degree in massage therapy. In the school system I can use this to become an occupational therapist and work on students that need therapy. The benefit will be that I can also work out of my home and maybe grow into a small business. Who knows what the future may hold for me after that.

Next..

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately and I guess that's what made me want to start back. I like that I can read and see that my life is not so different from many other people around the world. I feel connected in some way. Eventually I will have a computer after the new the new year that will be in better shape. Then I will be able to post from home. The kids are taking a math and I am taking advantage of the schools fast access.

Until next time, be safe and keep it REAL and HONEST!!