All Smiles!!

For the past few days I have been reflecting on my past relationships and I realized that I am not the same person anymore.

Lets just say that there was a time (not that long ago) when I would date the most unlikely and undeserved guys. I had hit rock bottom and I thought that I couldn't get better and decided to accept bulls**t. I'm not ashamed but just disappointed in myself of the careless choices I have made along my years.

As an adult I can no longer blame my circumstances (family and baby daddy) and I had to take control and get a grip. I no longer make the decisions, I allow God to have his way. I thank God everyday for pulling me out of my self made pit. I see with new eyes and with a new outlook and perspective.

I am so proud of myself. I am proud of the woman that I am becoming. As I continue to work on me with the help of God, he continues to work out the circumstances in my life. I now know that I deserve greatness and that I will be blessed with all things that I desire. I just have to continue with this patience and in time it will all come.

All my friends are so happy and making their dreams come true and its very exciting to feel this happiness and peace. I know that what I went through has only prepared me to appreciate my coming blessings. I won't forget my struggles and will think twice before ever turning back!

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This weekend I have to buckle down and grade papers! This is the worst part of teaching. I really need to find a better way to manage this, because the papers are stacked.

I think that I will enjoy a movie this weekend!
Big Mama's House 2
Hoodwinked
Last Holiday

A pretty good selection to choose from. Anything for the lil one to enjoy.

Enjoy the weekend and treat it like its the last one!

During the Calm...

This weekend was very peaceful and fun in laid back type of way. Early Saturday morning I went to take a math test for my certification. I passed, thank you God!

Being that I was in such a good mood I took the afternoon to relax and enjoy a rare and tender moment of family. My mom had a sip of coconut rum and orange juice and she was feeling rather good. My sister-in-law came by and Mr. B, my mothers boyfriend did also. We were all in fun spirits so we listened to some music and had a few laughs. I wanted to escape to enjoy the company of a friend, so the little one and I got dressed and left the old folks to some needed peace.

We ended up going to Sunset in South Miami only to the surprise of too many people! Where did all these teenagers come from and who has all this money for them to spend? When I was a teenager we frequented the Omni Mall and Theater and I only had $15 or $20 dollars, on a good day. That was bus fair, the movie ticket and a meal from the Burger King or Checkers that was directly across the street. I felt so old and out of place around all those kids. Really after being around kids throughout the week, I try hard to be away from them on the weekend.

We purchased tickets an hour and fifteen minutes before the movie started so we could grab a bite to eat. Due to the extreme amount of people we took a seat at Johnny Rockets and enjoyed a fast meal. When entered the theater, there was no room to sit. The movie hoppers had beat us there and I refused to sit two rows away from the screen with my five year sitting on my lap. On top of that deal with the rude and loud crowd talking through the movie. REFUND PLEASE!!
Got the money back and had to listen to the non-understanding five year old whine about not seeing a movie. After five minutes of explaining she finally gave up and we played a few video games before leaving. My friend and I were tired anyways so not seeing the movie didn't bother us a bit. Our mood had changed when we first got there and saw all those people we both wanted to do a U-turn.

All in all we enjoyed our short outing and ended the night with some Dairy Queen. What a treat!


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I can honestly say that I have been so happy lately and it's great being in the company of God's grace.

Random Thoughts

Today there is nothing particular that is on mind that I need to express. But there are a few things that are floating around that may develop along.

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Income tax returns may be the only savings account some people will ever have.


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My computer finally gave out! Now my situation is that I want to replace it immediately but I will moving this summer and not having one would be one less thing to pack!
This will be some miserable months without private personal access!

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While reading Ms. Tee blog I realized that we have similar dreams but on a different level. Yes I want a family and kids and would be satisfied if God blesses me with a middle/upper class income. But if he blesses me with more I'll take it too. I also want to help and impact lives but it doesn't have to be on a grand scale but more on a "Pay it forward" type of way. Where as I touch a life, that person in return will pass the blessing and someone else's life will be affected in a positive way. Our only difference is money but that's no big deal. When she makes the big money I will go lay next to her huge heated pool when I need a break from my real life! LOL!


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As I watched the news on yesterday, it seems as if people of all races support the parades and dedications to Dr. King more than people in Miami. It bothers me a bit because with the melting pot that we have here in Miami, the Hispanic community should love Dr. King just as much as we do. Without Dr. King they would not be able to be where there are today in the United States. A Hispanic teacher at my school taught a lesson about Rosa Parks without mentioning her name and saying that she was crazy woman who decided that she didn't want to give up her seat on a bus and went to jail. That was her intro to the kids to Dr. King. I work at a school where the majority of the students are Hispanic and when asked who was Dr. King they stated that he freed the slaves. So that leaves me stuck and disappointed. Every other culture is in infused throughout the text books and we have a small section that has been the same since I was in grade school.


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I really enjoy seeing the things that made me excited as a child excite my daughter. She loves the MLK parade just as much as I did when I was growing up. She loves eating a bunch of junk food and buying poppers and spray cans. I live through her happiness because it brings the old feelings in my heart that I used to feel. For a moment I don't think about bills, work or relationships. For a moment I escape reality without alcohol or drugs, a pure natural high of happiness. How do you get your natural high?


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PERSONAL FOOD FOR THOUGHT!!!

Throughout the madness that I experienced and suffered during my childhood from my parents, they gave enough good for me to turn out successful!

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings!

I should be happy that today is Friday, and I am, but today is just one of them dayz! My eyez are swollen and my nose is stuffy. My sinus problems are flaring up!

I had a down day yesterday, memories and the pain from them had me feeling low.

I think too much! I worry too much! I care way too much!

The devil is disgusted with my joy so he reminded me of my pain and my inner most sorrows. But I will not succumb to the pressure. He won't steal my joy.


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At nite I work at drug and alcohol rehabilitation treatment center. Imagine everyday being bombarded with everyone else's troubles, heartaches, joys and pains. I have my students that I deal with also. They depend on me for all the things they feel they don't get from home. Imagine everyday of your life, that your emotions shift up and down because people confide in you and trust you with their inner most pain. Imagine that when you are at your lowest point, you still must shine and smile and be a confidant, a friend, a counselor, a mother to the motherless, a sister to the sisterless, and the closest thing some people will ever get to a bible.

I love my jobs and I love people. And for some reason they love me. They see the beauty in me that I sometimes can't see. But it gets hard sometimes because my mind deals with so much and it can get overwhelming. I know that this is what God has for me to do, because it comes with ease, sometimes without thought. I place my feelings and troubles aside for over a hundred kids a day and at least two hundred clients at nite! Dealing with what I deal with is not something everyone can do, and I thank God for his presence in my life. Without him I would melt down.

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LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!!!
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I just realized that all those things that I went through, I had to go through, to be able to reach others and understand their pain. You don't know a person's struggle, until you have walked in their shoes. When I went through the phases of my life I thought that they would never end and I couldn't see my purpose on earth. I felt low and unwanted, I felt like a failure! I didn't see the difference or the impact that I would make. But it all make sense now!

I gotta pray now so that I can let go of the shame and the hurt that I carry in my heart! Gotta give God the praise and glory and ask for more understanding of my purpose!

I feel like the caged bird. I understand the song it sings! I understand it's struggle and I feel it's JOY!

Listening to Alicia Keys: Songs in A Minor
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Happy Birthday Dr. King. Thank God for you and your purpose and the difference you made in the World. Thank you God for all the people who fought for our struggles and for those who continue the fight today!

Be safe and enjoy this holiday weekend!!!
One Love!!

Blessed by his GRACE! My turning point!

One day I woke and realized that I wasn't happy.

Living situation
Work
Life
Motherhood
Self Image

So I made a decision to make some changes!
I could no longer continue this path and I no longer could use any excuses on why I was still in the situations I was in. I needed to stand up and allow God to bless me! I changed my way of thinking and I no longer let people's view of me and my choices, control me.
Forever I was living to please my family and in secret living an undesirable life. Allowing men to grace my presence and benefit from me, who weren't worthy of the time. My gift became my curse. Being nice has gotten me no where, with relationships and some friendships!
Holding my tongue has only gotten me grief. I lived by the motto, "do unto others as you would have them to do unto you." I lived with a heavy conscious that hurts when others hurt. So I kept my silence and slowly started changing. Then that person would notice the difference in me and in turn place me at fault and blame me for the problems. In reality they were the problem, my fault was being WEAK (foolish, dumb, soft and/or pushover or whatever it may be to you)!

It's true that if people continue to tell that you are undeserving and put you down, then you begin to believe it yourself. I lost hope, believing that I wasn't good enough to have the man of my dreams, so I begin to settle. I hate to say it but finding a good man (that's not already married) seems to be close to impossible in Miami. The mentality that some guys have here is so played out. I was foolish to fall in such a trap and mentality. But everything happens for a reason. I have grown and learned from my trials and tribulations. I had faith but I didn't believe that I deserved happiness. I believed that I was paying for my sins! What I forgot was that God is a forgiving God. I struggled with good and bad, like I was being pulled by both arms in different directions. The devil has a way of making bad things look so good, and that how he trapped me. I was living my life being young and having fun, blind to the damages!

Well I hit my boiling point. I realized that if I kept doing the same things over and over again then my life would stay idle. I would be stuck, dealing with the same bull just a different person and/or a different place. I no longer wanted to live and miss out on my blessings because I was making the choices instead of allowing God to have his way. Every since that day in December, that I made the choice to let God lead the way, everything has been going uphill. I am happy again. I don't have a heavy heart anymore and I have cut all the extra baggage that I had been carrying. I forgave the people who brought pain into my life and I handed it to God. I let it go! I am making choices that will now benefit my future for my daughter and I. I am now thankful for the experiences because I now know that I will appreciate my blessings and they will mean that much more to me. I won't take my blessings for granted and I will remember where I came from and where I've been.

I have more goals to accomplish and with this new state of my mind I will reach them. Those invisible chains I am no longer bond to. I am free! I am happy. Blessed and highly favored! I am destined for greatness and I believe it with all my heart. Times will get hard and trouble will come but I will be able to stand. Nothing and no one will steal my joy, because God is with me and he forever will be.

Those rain clouds that have been over my head are gone. I see with new eyes and I feel with a new heart. What I learned that was most important is that...

GOD HAD ALREADY FORGIVEN, I HAD TO FORGIVE MYSELF!!

God is not through with me yet, he's building me, changing me and restoring me piece by piece!
And I will be forever grateful!

Got put to the Test!

In a previous post I mentioned that while on vacation in CO I ran into a classmate from highschool. What I haven't mentioned is that we have been keeping in touch and I will be going back to visit him in Feb.
Well this weekend I didn't hear from him but I didn't think much of it because for 1 he's not my boyfriend so there's no rule that we have to call each everyday. 2 He's in the army and he works long and crazy shifts. But when Monday came I still hadn't heard from him I got a lil worried because the last conversation we had was on Friday and he went out to the club and told me that he would call the next day. So now my mind is racing...Is he okay cause he hangs with some fighters? Did he decide that he couldn't handle the distance and move on? Did he lose his phone at the club? Or maybe he's away in the field? I'm sure you get the picture.

Now my old habits start to creep in my mind! I had decided to turn a new leaf in Dec about dealing with guys and just working on me and allow God to do the rest. So now in my mind I'm like, I could call a booty call and have things set up in two minutes. I don't know what dude is doing he could be telling me anything, is the thought that ran through my mind.
So I have this battle in my mind of getting with my booty call or just going home cause this is just a test of my faith. I decided to go straight home because I felt that this was just a test and that I would definitely get my call today!

Well, I PASSED MY TEST, I got my call early this morning while dressing for work. Most of my thoughts were true. He did lose his phone but his friend found it in his car and yesterday he had a long day at work and went home and went to sleep.

I have to accept his answer(excuse) as the truth because he really doesn't have to lie to me. He doesn't have to call me everyday I just got used to some form of communication (call/text) everyday or every other day. I figure it this way, if he is perpetrating then, it will all be revealed in due time and I will be able to move on with no hesitations. I'll give him a fair chance like I do everyone I deal with (male or female) once they break the trust then it's damn near hard to ever get it back! I will not play the fool ever again!

To each his own!

Keeping it Real!

I know that this may be T.M.I. (to much information) but I just have to share.

I hate to get the bubble guts while I'm at work. The bubble guts usually leads up to doing #2!
Who wants to do the #2 while at work. Taking a shit at work makes me feel like I lost some dignity and it feels so un-lady like. At other jobs I would leave on lunch break or use some excuse to leave and do it in the privacy and comfort of my own home. Well at this job, the drive home is a least 20-25 minutes away, taking the short cuts and back streets. So I had to break down today and shit at work.

So I'm the stinky lil lady who lit the restroom up today. Thankfully no one was in the hallway when I existed. I was nice enough to use air freshener that I keep in my classroom, so no one has to hold there breath while using the restroom. It's bad enough you have to smell your own shit but its down right heart aching to smell someone else's.

For the rest of the day I will be feeling uneasy because I didn't get to shower or do a quick washoff (so no skid marks would be left)! LOL

No more Starbucks Frappuccino and blueberry bagels in the morning! I guess they didn't agree this morning!

~Just keeping it real!

Being a teacher is very draining. Being an Exceptional Student Education (ESE) teacher is 3 times harder. It's very hard trying to teach students who have difficulties learning and major behavioral problems. And to top it all off they don't want to learn and they have all the excuses why each day is not a their day! I love children and at times I love teaching but as the days pass I wonder how long am I gonna survive in the school system. The energy and excitement that I use to possess has all turned to routine because you know what to expect everyday; students with rude attitudes and lack motivation to learn!


Anyways...

The old crew Tam, Tee, and Anna hooked last night at Iguana's. It was Ladies Nite and the drinks were free after the initial $10 fee. WHHAATT!!! If I wasn't getting observed today at work I would have had to stumble out the club. I know that Ms. Tee is gonna write a massive blog about the reunion so my I won't elaborate to much. All I have to say is that liquor liberates Ms. Tee. She was hilarious, my stomach was aching with laughter. While on the dance floor guy1 slips his card to Tam and we start cracking jokes immediately, and Tee edges him on to dance with Tam. Well at the same time another dude was on the prowl for Tam ( as half the dudes in the club were). He slipped between guy1 and Tam and made his move, totally blocking out guy1, like he wasn't even there. Tee gave guy1 this look of disgust, took his business card from Tam, handed back to guy1 and told him, "Get this back and tighten your game up!" Guy1 tried to play it off at first and tried to slip his card back in Tam's pocket but when he looked into all are laughing faces, he retreated. Guy1 was on the dance floor looking like he was about to cry and after the song was over he walked off with his chin his chest. The other dude held his head high as he saw what he accomplished!

I really enjoyed being with my girls again and can't wait to the next time. Tam and have been friends since middle school and we both Tee in highschool. We have been friends ever since with several threats over never being friends again. A simple task that we have not accomplished yet! I love my girls!

Have a good weekend!

Oh yeah how about the National Championship on Wednesday! It was an amazing game that had my attention from beginning to the end. Congrats to Texas for winning! Two times for their quarter back who kept his cool and did the damn thing. I can totally appreciate a good and hard fought game by two amazing teams! Now I'm ready for the Super Bowl!

Last night while at work I had the chance to catch the Orange Bowl game. Florida State and Penn State kickers have both went down on the NFL draft!!

I also talked to Ms. Tee! At first I was nervous that my entry yesterday was going to have us fighting. I sometimes don't write with clarity and things can be taken out of context. But who am I? Just a an ordinary person with an opinion, which has no affect on anyone's life but my own!

I hate to see my friends in pain, their pain is my pain. I wish that I could heal their broken hearts and beat down the people that bring them misery. My post was not a diss to Ms. Tee just an outlet to reveal that we all bear similar struggles. I really have a hard time sharing advice because I feel that my situations are jacked up in some areas and I'm looking for solutions too.
All and all we are still friends and just came to another understanding of each other. No harm intended and I pray that none was taken!

Its amazing to see how our opinions of each other affect us so much!

Stepping Up and Speaking Out!

I feel awful as a friend because I feel as though I have let Ms. Tee down.
This is what I feel I should have said some time before...

Tee,
It's like this. We have been friends for so long and I learned to guard my statements from you. I no longer wanted to argue with you or disagree for the sake of our friendship. So I am careful of what I say so that it won't upset you or hurt your feelings. I also don't believe in giving advice on situations where I struggle at also. I have an awful baby daddy, who thought that verbal and mental abuse would bring me down. He talked to me like I was the shit beneath his shoe when I only tried to be nice to him and work things out in the best interest of our child. To this day he still does not provide for my daughter willingly nor is he on child support. I have been criticized from day one for not putting him on child support. I have lost the closeness with certain people and their help because I made that choice but I can live with it.

Tee I decided to take a stand. If I waited on him or the government to feed my baby she would have been dead. So before she was even three months I got on the grind and got a job and a car. Yes I live with my mother and it made a lot of my pressures easier but it added more fuel to the fire. I don't look for anything from him and no one else for that matter. If I had to cry and sweat blood to care for her I will. If I had to live in my car or unlikely conditions I will. I will never ever take the abuse from him, another man nor my mother as I have did before.

I am blessed to have people in my life that care for me and my child and I thank God for them. I thank God everyday for my blessings.

Tee I admire you and your courage. I really remember how you lived by faith never letting a bill or any other thing bother. You trusted that the Lord would provide a way, and he did, time after time. It seems as though you forgot how God blessed you back in the days financially when people would just hand you over checks stating that the Lord laid it on their heart to do so.

Now, when you are ready for a difference in your life, things change. People can give you advice all year but until you are tired of being sick and tired, only will things change. Your prayers are being heard but are you giving it to God or are you still caring on as if he can't help you. Do you believe like you used to that he will make a way?

My opinion doesn't matter but maybe it may work for you, maybe not. What worked for me may not be the route that God has for you. But this is what I did.
I let him go! I stopped asking him for money, stopped crying at night like it was my fault that he was a bad father. I got a job, at times two and still accepted the blessings that God gave me through family and friends. I stopped forcing my baby on him asking him if he wanted see her and asking him to baby sit. See, he got his joy out of being able to say NO and thinking that I needed him. Now the sucker can't look my way because without cutting his tires, breaking his windows, showing out at his job (home, friends and family,etc), not putting him on child support and constant prayer, I made him feel less of a man. I accepted the fact that I was a poor judge of character and worked daily to overcome my shortcomings or should I say my weaknesses. I try hard not to stress about the triumphs of my life. Daily I learn to love and accept myself, my body and my looks, good and bad. Recently I forgave myself, for all the horrible decisions I've made when it came to men and I will no longer SETTLE. I also accepted the fact, that no matter how many times I have messed up that I do deserve a good man because indeed I am a good woman and any man who GOD has for me will blessed to have me as a wife.

I gave it to God and I left it there. Tee you must seek God and follow your heart and do what you believe God has you to do. My way may not be the way and as a friend I respect all your decisions even if I don't agree with them. I learned that a long time ago.

My mama used to teach me as a young girl to never let them see you sweat. No matter how you are feeling on the inside, smile on the outside. And dealing with my baby daddy she continued to teach me that. She told me to never let him see me looking rough, put on some clothes and comb your hair! No matter how bad it is he should not see it. And it worked I shine whenever I see him and act as if I don't have a care in the world and all I see is a puzzled look in his face. Yes brother I'm happy, your daughter is happy, well dressed, feed and is being exposed to traveling to different places in and outside of Florida. Yes we are surviving without you!

Tee, except who and what he is! And do what you need to do! The more you push him to do(yes the shit that he should automatically do), the more bad he will have to say. Show him the strong and good mother that everyone else sees. Take some time to do some things that you normally don't do. Stop being scared and/or lazy and show more effort in getting what the boys need. Step out on FAITH and believe that God will provide whatever you need! I love you!

Post your thoughts directed to me in the position of a friend!
One Love!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

WOW!
I had a wonderful vacation and I wish it didn't have to end so soon.
For Christmas I had the opportunity to visit my father and family in Colorado Springs, Co. It was so beautiful and so relaxing. The mountains were tranquil and cold, soothing to the heart.
I really needed this break. Not having to go to either of my two jobs, at the same time, was just what the doctor ordered. No pressure, just fun and relaxation. I didn't sleep my days away though, because my active 5 year old made sure that she had the time of her life also. Making a snow angel was first on her list and she dived right in. First time for her in the snow and you would have thought that she was a pro. My dream vacation would be similar but less the kid. I love her but I need a vacation from being a mother for a few days too.

The highlight of this trip was the fact that of all the places to visit, I actually ran into a guy that I went to high school with. I never thought that I would run into another black person from Miami in Colorado. Turns out that he is in the Army and was stationed there this past August. We had a blast together hanging out and catching up on old times. We decided to keep in touch and I will be visiting him again next month!

Now back to reality, I'm back at work! Back to congested highways and humid air! Back to the hood where gun shots rang as soon as the sun went down on New Year's Eve. Back to peeping out my window making my car is still there. Back to wondering if the shots I hear are from people still celebrating the New Year or has another soldier been taken. Back to praying for peace!

I happy right now and looking forward to the coming future. Nothing to hold me back now!

Free to be me!