Adjusting

Adjusting to Orlando really took some time. I didn't realize how home sick I would be, it rarely crossed my mind. I missed mom even though I talked to her more than twice a day. It was hard getting use to not seeing her face on a daily basis. We struggled with our relationship often, but I made it my business to overcome our troubles. I finally accepted my mother for who she was and found the beauty in that. I was constantly waiting for a change that possibly could not have happen. I have so much respect for her and I would never do anything to hurt her.

I am a work freak so finding a job was a must. I thought that I would not have a problem in that department but I was so wrong. I tried everything even Starbucks, but no one would hire me because they figured I would quit sooner than they wanted. The school system had a freeze so I was left chasing the wind trying to find any way to make some cash. My mom and dad shot me a few dollars here and there when they had it and that kept my head above water.

Soon I started substituting which eventually landed me to my present job now. It wasn't what I was looking for but at that time anything consistent was good enough for me. They brought me in under false pretenses, making me think that had intentions of paying me the salary of a teacher, but once I was in good and my probationary period was up, they dropped the budget bomb on me. Frankly it was so close to the end of the school year so I had no choice but to finish it out. But they knew how I completely felt about the situation and I made sure they knew it could never happen again.

As far a Orlando as a city...overall it OK. It is what I needed, a place with boundaries and curfews. LOL! I really don't like the fact that the city is so slow compared to Miami but I have learned to live with it. When I want to do some damage I just make a trip down to the MIA!!

I needed a change and I needed to experience life in a new area. When you change your atmosphere you change your outlook and your perspective on life. You see with new eyes! Exposure to different things has always helped people explore new and greater possibilities of life. I am so grateful for this opportunity for me as well as my daughter. I can't wait to see what's next!

From Dade County to Orange County!!

I made two big leaps in my life at the same time. I moved out of my mother's house and I moved to a new city.

I moved to Orlando, Fl to continue my life and chase some dreams.

Moving was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel so free and bold. I'm able to make choices without the worry or fear of what my family would think. No more crazy looks and squinted eyes peering at me.

I love my independence and I am very proud of myself. Of course I was not singing this same tune a year ago when I first moved away.

My mother called every day and instructed me on what decisions I needed to make. She still had a hold on me and I didn't know how to nicely let her go. I have a problem hurting her feelings, so in turn mine continued to suffer. She is very controlling and opinionated, there is one way to do things and that is her way! No room for change. We are two different people that think and act diffirently and I accept that but it was very hard for her to understand. But slowly I claimed my life. I listened to her advise but I listened to God and followed him. And guess what he hasn't led me wrong yet.

I live with my best friend who is very generous and has been a blessing in my life. We help each other with our kids and other home life. It works but I struggle mentally because I still wanted to have my own place, my own rules and my own way of living. Some days are better than some and I continue to look for God's guidance. For a while I looked at my living situation as the person who was is need but one day I came to an understanding that just because my finance were not that good, it did not mean that I wasn't a blessing in her life. Maybe God put me here to bless her life and then he would work on mine. As a believer we do profess that we are his servants. So I dont mind serving him and doing his will becuase I have faith that when its my time he will bless me.

My day is sure to come. I have no fears.

Back Again!!

It's been a very long time since I have sat to a computer and let my feelings flow. I left this site alone because I was angry at a friend of mines and this is where we socialized as well.

So much has changed in my life since then. So I think that I will pick something to share each entry and play catch up. Writing here is therapy for me because I am to search my mind and explore my deepest thoughts. I hope that my job and family life will not keep me away from the computer to much. But at the same token I wont let blogging consume my mind as well!

Well here goes!!!

In most cases people say, "People do what you allow them to do".

I accept full responsibility.

When you are friends with person for a long period of time its never easy to forget them. In fact you can't.

I think about "her"(my best friend) and our relationship almost everyday. We struggled from time to time because we were two completely different people with similar views and opinions. Over time we learned to respect each other and we agreed to disagree.

In one day I went numb not knowing that it would be like this, we haven't been the same since.
I was dealing with a lot of pressure and instead of talking it out, I went silent. Maybe this was not the best choice but what's done is done.

We never intentionally hurt each other but many times found ourselves making up after misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It hasn't happened yet this time and there is no sign of when it's to come.

I love her and I miss sharing our dreams. But we were to vocal about our opinions to each other or not realizing the damage it could do to our friendship. It's not what you say, but it's how you say it. Think before you speak and some things are better left unsaid.

In most cases, no matter what has happened, I am usually the "bigger person" who makes peace and sets a new tone. But as usual when a person hurts me they see no wrong and never attempts to makeup. My thing is that when you know that you have hurt a person, intentional or unintentional, if you value the friendship you should try to make amends.


I'm tired and stretched out. A lot of people depend on me and expects a lot from me. But I wonder sometimes if they take account of my needs. And even though I am a strong person, my days get hard and my heart gets weary too. There are only two friends who have held me hand, hugged me during my sorrow or allowed me to lay my head in their laps when I needed to vent.

Funny thing is that I still love my friend and enjoy receiving news on her accomplishments. I am proud of her happy to see her dreams come true. I started blogging because of her and I still read her blog periodically. I realized today that I'm not listed on her blog list anymore. That's when I laughed and knew for sure it was over. I went for months at a time without posting and was threatened to be removed but it never happened (the benefit of being of friend).

Maybe this time apart is what we needed. Maybe it's the path that our lives was destined to take. Whatever the case, the love want die and the prayers won't cease. I thank God for her because she has impacted my life tremendously.

I finally made it!!

I remember the rush I got at Ms.Tee's graduation and dreamed of when my day would come. I missed my graduation date twice! The first time I broke my foot and had to sit out a while. The second time a state mandated course that was not apart of my original course description held me back.

Well two graduation dates late I have finally made it. Due my time of illness I missed all the deadline dates for cap and gown and other senior activities. So I had no intentions to walk, of course, against the wishes of everyone I knew. All that mattered to me was a transcript that stated degree conferred.

To my surprise there was a cap and gown ordered for me and 7 graduation tickets. So I called "BIG RED" (mama) and told her that she had a graduation to attend. She is more excited than I am. I bet if they would let her wear the gown for me, she would.

Now all the butterflies are in my stomach and all those anxious feelings of graduation day were back. All the feelings that I thought I let go and suppressed were all back.
I'm happy and excited. A true feeling of accomplishment. And the funny part of this is that is just the beginning of what I have yet to accomplish.

WISH ME LUCK!!!!

one love

It's been a while....

It's been a while since I been to this spot.

I have been sick for the past two months. Stressed and overworked from two full time jobs, my body completely shut down. I feel much better now but I have to take medication everyday for my new case of asthma.

I have made some new goals and have already started on making them happen. I am at peace with myself and still working at becoming the woman and mother that I want and need to be.

During the two months I had some time to think and make changes. Its amazing how much I learned about myself and other people during this time. One thing that I really have to get over is the fact and the realization that I am in this alone (besides my mother). Only two of my friends helped me out during this time. Two or three called and checked to see if I was getting better but never made an offer to help. Not even a visit or to come scoop me or my little one for an hour. Then I asked myself how good of a friend/family member have I been? Answer: As good as I could have been. Even with a full life I still made time and for family and friends. I don't regret a moment of it either, its who I am and what everyone expects of me. Oh well, that's how life is... some people are the givers and some people are the receivers!

Anyways! I hope that all who reads this is blessed and happy!

ONE LOVE!

Somebody calling me Mama?

The day I learned that I was pregnant was a gloomy day. My pregnancy was definitely unplanned,unexpected, and unwanted. I was 20 years old and at the prime of becoming an adult and a woman. I had no cares in the world and I lived day by day as I pleased. I also had just got an acceptance letter from Florida State University. Since that very day my life has not been the same. My boyfriend at the time and I always used condoms so this was really a hard pill to swallow. When discussing the news with him he told me that he knew the condom broke and getting me pregnant is what he wanted.

He never liked the idea of me leaving away to college and this was his way of keeping me from leaving. My heart sunk to my stomach as he continued to talk and I began to cry. He made promises to take care of me and the baby and that I didn't have to worry about a thing. I believed him and I trusted him but in the back of my mind I hated him for betraying me and taking advantage of what I had yet to learn about men, sex and condoms.

A week later he asked me to move in. I couldn't face my mother so the day she left for vacation I took what I could and moved in. It didn't last but three days. He totally switched out on me and turned into a controlling maniac. Telling me where I could or couldn't go and when I could eat in "HIS HOUSE". I was in over my head and didn't have that many rules at my mamma's house. So on the third day when he left for work I gathered all that I had, called a cab and went back home before my mother even knew I was gone. I guess he has hated me ever since because he hasn't kept any of those promises of being a good father and providing for his child.

Which brings me to this point. Being that I was not ready nor prepared mentally for a child, I'm steadily trying to get on track. Trying to make the right decisions and be a good mother. It takes time to change, learn and mature and along with growing comes mistakes. My outlook and motherhood has changed over the past six years. Things I used to do I don't want to do anymore I'm trying to be better and wiser. I don't want my daughter to make the bad choices I made. I'm becoming a new example a better example. What gets to me is the guilt I have for the past mistakes really one in particular.

At the time I really had the right idea but I went about it the wrong way. I wanted to settle down, so I dated and when I got comfortable I let some, not all, meet her. Before long the relationship ended and they were gone. During the times we were all together I made sure that we acted appropriately so that she would not model bad behavior. My daughter is my first priority and I never let any guy come before her or her needs. And as soon as I realized that I was dealing with someone who didn't fit the bill he was out with no second guessing.

Being a good mother has always been a priority for me and a slight struggle to make sure I'm doing it right. I hope that I'm not late and haven't affected my daughter's life in a negative way!

One Love!

It's been a while since I had the opportunity to grace this place. I kind of miss it but I really didn't have much to say. I caught up on my readings and find it very uplifting to my soul. Reading most blogs is inspiring and uplifting, just what my soul needed.

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"Why do you always seem to attract guys that are needy?"

That question was asked of me recently and it has been in my head ever since, almost haunting me. To top it off, I couldn't answer it, and I have been searching my mind to find the answer.

I know what kind of man I would love to have in my life, but for some reason that type of man is not interested in me. That tall, dark and handsome, intelligent, sincere, kid loving and intuitive man doesn't look my way. That independent and spontaneous man doesn't see this short, dark skinned, thick and professional woman. I'm the last one that gets flirted with and by then there's nothing left but that needy nicca looking for his next come up. There was a time in my life when I believed in them and their so called dreams. I believed that we could come up together and make things happen.I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. But time after time it seemed as if I was the only coming up and the only one giving.

It was never my dream to have this situation. I didn't wake up and say that I was gonna pick the worst baby daddy and be happily ever after. I never wanted this for myself but constantly I struggle with people and the perception of me. I had made a conscious decision to move forward but a couple of days ago a hit another low. I have struggled daily since then. I now realize that the devil is busy and was unhappy of my spiritual progress. It's okay because like the song says "WE FALL DOWN BUT WE GET UP".

I'm a fighter and I realize that my journey will not be easy. That's why God gave it to me because he knows that I will overcome and I will survive.

I am slowly trying to shift my focus and find a new dream or hobby. I'm not giving up on having a husband but I feel that the focus has on having one has overtaken me. Maybe my dreams were to simple and I accomplished them. Maybe I need to dream some more.

Whatever God has for me is for me and when he's ready for me to have it then I will get it!!